When Home Feels Scary
If there's a lot of fighting at home, or if you're worried about what's happening with the adults in your life—you're not alone, and it's not your fault.
For Kids (Ages 6-10)
When Grown-Ups Fight
Sometimes the adults at home fight. They might yell, say mean things, or seem really angry. This can feel scary.
🌟 Important Truths
- It's not your fault. When grown-ups fight, it's never because of something you did.
- You can't fix it. It's not your job to make them stop fighting. That's a grown-up job.
- Your feelings are okay. Feeling scared, sad, confused, or angry—all of those are normal.
- You deserve to feel safe. Everyone does, including you.
What You Can Do
Find Your Safe Spot
When fighting happens, go somewhere that feels safer—your room, a friend's house, a quiet corner. It's okay to leave.
Talk to Someone
Find a grown-up you trust—maybe a teacher, aunt/uncle, grandparent, or school counselor. Tell them how you're feeling.
Calm Your Body
When you feel scared, try taking 5 slow, deep breaths. In through your nose, out through your mouth. This helps your body feel calmer.
📞 If You Need Help Right Now
You can call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline:
1-800-422-4453
They help kids who are scared or hurt. It's free and you can talk to someone any time.
For Teens (Ages 11-17)
Living With Conflict at Home
When there's constant fighting, tension, or scary behavior at home, it affects everything—school, friendships, sleep, how you feel about yourself. That's real, and it's not weakness.
What Research Tells Us
- More than 15 million children in the U.S. live in homes where domestic violence occurs
- Witnessing conflict affects the brain similar to experiencing combat stress
- These effects are treatable with the right support
- Many successful people grew up in difficult homes—and got help
Things You Might Be Feeling
Guilt
"Maybe if I was better, they wouldn't fight."
Truth: Adult problems are never caused by kids. You didn't do this.
Responsibility
"I need to protect my siblings/parent."
Truth: It's not your job to fix or manage your parents' relationship. That's unfair to put on you.
Shame
"My family is messed up. No one would understand."
Truth: Many families struggle. You're not alone, and it's not a reflection of who you are.
Numbness
"I don't feel anything anymore."
Truth: This is a normal response to ongoing stress. It's your brain protecting you.
What You Can Do
1. Know It's Not Your Job
You don't have to fix your parents' relationship, referee their fights, or be the family peacekeeper. That's too much for anyone your age.
2. Find Your People
Is there a teacher, coach, counselor, relative, or friend's parent you trust? Having even one adult who knows what's going on can make a huge difference.
3. Protect Your Space
Use headphones, go to the library, spend time at a friend's house when things are bad. Removing yourself from conflict is smart, not running away.
4. Don't Carry Messages
If your parents try to use you to communicate with each other or take sides, you can say: "I don't want to be in the middle of this."
5. Have a Safety Plan
If things get dangerous, know where you'll go and who you'll call. Have important numbers saved. Know the exits.
If an adult is hitting you, touching you inappropriately, or making you feel unsafe, that's not okay and it's not your fault. Please tell someone or call the Childhelp Hotline: 1-800-422-4453
What About Later?
Growing up with conflict can affect relationships, trust, and self-esteem long-term. But here's the good news:
- Patterns can be broken. Your parents' relationship doesn't have to be your future.
- Therapy helps. When you're ready, talking to a professional can process what happened.
- You're learning what not to do. Sometimes the hardest lessons teach us the most about what we want in our own lives.
- Many people overcome this. With support, people from difficult backgrounds build healthy relationships and lives.
🆘 Crisis Resources for Teens
For Adults Supporting Children
How Conflict Affects Children
Children are deeply affected by conflict between adults—even when they're not directly involved. Research shows:
- Children exposed to domestic violence are at higher risk for anxiety, depression, PTSD, and behavioral problems
- Effects can include difficulty concentrating, sleep problems, and social challenges
- Children often blame themselves for adult conflict
- The "double whammy" effect: children who witness violence AND experience direct abuse show more severe effects
- With support, these effects can be mitigated significantly
What Children Need from Adults
Reassurance
"It's not your fault." "You are loved." "You are safe with me." Children need to hear these things explicitly and repeatedly.
Stability
Consistent routines, predictable responses, reliable presence. This provides an anchor when home life feels chaotic.
Permission to Feel
All feelings are okay. Children shouldn't have to pretend everything is fine or manage adult emotions.
Protection from Adult Problems
Children shouldn't referee conflicts, carry messages, or hear one parent badmouth the other.
What to Avoid
- Don't use children as messengers. "Tell your mother that..."
- Don't badmouth the other parent. Even if justified, it puts children in an impossible position.
- Don't ask children to take sides. They love both parents and shouldn't have to choose.
- Don't burden them with adult information. They don't need to know the details of your conflict.
- Don't ask them to keep secrets. This damages trust and creates anxiety.
- Don't fight in front of them. If conflict happens, repair it in front of them too.
Signs a Child May Need Professional Support
- Significant changes in behavior, sleep, or eating
- Regression to younger behaviors (bedwetting, thumb-sucking)
- Extreme fear or anxiety
- Aggression or withdrawal
- Difficulty at school
- Talk of self-harm or worthlessness
If you notice these signs, consider connecting the child with a therapist who specializes in trauma or family issues.