Why Document?
Documentation serves several important purposes:
- Clarity for yourself: When you're stressed, memory becomes unreliable. Written records help you see patterns and trust your own experience.
- Grounding against distortion: If someone regularly tells you things didn't happen the way you remember, documentation provides an anchor.
- Pattern recognition: Individual incidents may seem minor. Together, they may reveal something important.
- Support for decisions: Whether staying, leaving, or seeking help, clear records inform better decisions.
- Evidence if needed: For legal, custody, or safety reasons, documentation can be essential.
The Incident Log
An incident log is a factual record of concerning events. The key is to document facts, not interpretations—what happened, not what you think it means.
Effective Incident Log Format
Example Entry
Date/Time: December 14, 2025, approximately 8:30 PM
Location: Kitchen
Present: Myself, partner. Kids were in their rooms.
What happened: I asked about the credit card charge from [store]. Partner's voice became loud. They stood up quickly and said "You're always checking up on me. You're so paranoid." They then went to the garage and didn't return for 2 hours.
Exact words: "You're always checking up on me. You're so paranoid."
Evidence: None
My response: I said "I just wanted to understand the charge." I didn't follow them to the garage.
Impact: I felt shaky afterward. Had trouble sleeping. Second time this week a question about money led to this response.
What Makes Good Documentation
✓ Strong Documentation
- Specific dates and times
- Direct quotes
- Observable behaviors described
- Physical evidence attached
- Written soon after the event
- Consistent format
- Stored securely
❌ Weak Documentation
- Vague timeframes ("last week")
- Paraphrased conversations
- Interpretations ("they were jealous")
- No supporting evidence
- Written months later
- Inconsistent or scattered
- Easily accessible to others
Facts vs. Interpretations
Documentation is most useful when it records what happened, not what you think it means. Compare:
❌ Interpretation
"They got really jealous and controlling about my work trip."
✓ Facts
"When I mentioned the work trip, they asked who would be there, demanded the hotel address, and said 'I don't trust your coworkers.' They then checked my work calendar while I was in the shower."
The facts speak for themselves. Let readers (including your future self) draw conclusions.
What to Document
Consider documenting:
- Incidents: Arguments, threats, concerning behaviors
- Patterns: Repeated accusations, monitoring, isolation attempts
- Messages: Texts, emails, voicemails (screenshot and save)
- Physical evidence: Damaged items, injuries, changed locks
- Financial: Unusual charges, hidden accounts, denied access
- Digital: Installed apps, location tracking, account changes
- Witnesses: Who saw what (with their permission)
- Your own state: Sleep, anxiety, physical symptoms
When Reality Gets Disputed
One of the most disorienting experiences is being told that things didn't happen the way you remember—or didn't happen at all. This is sometimes called "gaslighting," and it can make you doubt your own perception.
Documentation helps by providing an external record. When your memory is questioned, you can return to your notes and trust what you wrote at the time.
Grounding Practice
After documenting an incident, write one sentence of grounding truth:
- "This happened. I was there. I experienced it."
- "My feelings about this are valid."
- "I am writing this to remember clearly."
This isn't about being right in an argument—it's about maintaining your connection to reality.
Secure Storage
Your documentation should be stored somewhere only you can access:
Screenshots & Digital Evidence
For texts, emails, and social media:
- Screenshot immediately — messages can be deleted
- Capture the whole screen — including date/time, sender info
- Save to secure location — not just camera roll
- Don't alter — no cropping or editing that removes context
- Keep originals if possible — export email files, save voicemails
Creating a Timeline
Once you have multiple incidents documented, a timeline can reveal patterns:
Timeline Template
| Date | Category | Summary | Evidence |
|---|---|---|---|
| Nov 3 | Monitoring | Found location tracking app installed | Screenshot |
| Nov 8 | Accusation | Accused of cheating based on work schedule | Text messages |
| Nov 12 | Isolation | Told I couldn't attend friend's birthday | Voice memo |
| Nov 15 | Finances | Credit card frozen without discussion | Bank statement |
Categories might include: accusations, threats, monitoring, isolation, finances, physical, children, etc.
What Documentation Is Not
Documentation is a tool for clarity and safety. It is not:
- A weapon: Don't wave it in arguments or use it to "win"
- Public record: Don't share on social media or with everyone
- A substitute for help: Documentation supports action, doesn't replace it
- For petty grievances: Focus on patterns that concern you, not every annoyance
When to Seek Help
If your documentation reveals a pattern of:
- Escalating threats or intimidation
- Physical violence or threat of violence
- Systematic isolation from support
- Financial control or abuse
- Constant surveillance or monitoring
- Reality distortion that makes you doubt yourself
...it may be time to share your documentation with a professional—a domestic violence advocate, attorney, or therapist—who can help you understand your options.
Educational Disclaimer
This content is for educational purposes only. It is not therapy, medical advice, legal advice, or a substitute for professional treatment. Always consult qualified professionals for your specific situation.