Supporting Someone You Love
When you see someone you care about struggling in their relationship, you want to help. But helping the wrong way can make things worse—or even dangerous.
This guide will help you support effectively while keeping everyone safe.
Understanding the Situation
When someone you love is in a difficult or abusive relationship, it's natural to feel frustrated, helpless, or even angry. You might wonder why they don't "just leave" or why they keep going back. Understanding these dynamics helps you support more effectively.
It's Complicated
Leaving an abusive or high-conflict relationship is rarely simple. There may be children, finances, housing, immigration status, or family pressure involved. The person may still love their partner or believe things can change.
Leaving Can Be Dangerous
The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is often when someone tries to leave. Your loved one may be staying because they're assessing the safest way to exit—or because leaving feels more dangerous than staying.
Abusers Often Seem Charming
The person you see at family gatherings may be very different from who your loved one lives with. Abusive behavior often happens behind closed doors, making it easy for others to doubt the victim's experience.
Recovery Isn't Linear
On average, people leave abusive relationships 7-8 times before leaving permanently. Each attempt is progress, even if they return. Your consistent support matters more than any single conversation.
How to Help Safely
✓ What Helps
- Listen without judgment. Let them talk without immediately offering solutions or opinions about their partner.
- Believe them. Even if their partner seems nice to you, trust your loved one's experience of the relationship.
- Express concern for their wellbeing. "I care about you and I'm worried about how stressed you seem."
- Offer specific, practical help. "I can pick up the kids Tuesday" is more helpful than "Let me know if you need anything."
- Stay connected. Isolation is a key tactic in abuse. Keep inviting them to things, even if they often can't come.
- Support their autonomy. Respect their decisions, even ones you disagree with. They're the expert on their own situation.
- Learn about abuse dynamics. Understanding the patterns helps you respond more effectively.
- Be patient. Change takes time. Your consistent presence matters more than any single conversation.
✗ What Can Backfire
- Criticizing their partner directly. This often triggers defensiveness and can push them away from you.
- Issuing ultimatums. "It's me or them" rarely works and can increase isolation.
- Telling them what to do. They're already being controlled; more directives don't help.
- Confronting the abusive partner. This can escalate danger for your loved one and may make things worse at home.
- Sharing their situation with others. Don't tell other family members or post on social media without permission.
- Giving up. Even if they push you away, keep the door open. They may need you later.
- Making it about you. "How could you stay with someone who treats you like that?" centers your feelings, not theirs.
- Threatening to call authorities without consent. Unless children are in immediate danger, this can remove their agency and increase risk.
Things You Can Say
Sometimes finding the right words feels impossible. Here are some phrases that tend to help, and some that often hurt.
Opening the Conversation
- "I've noticed you seem stressed lately. Is everything okay?"
- "I care about you and I'm here if you ever want to talk."
- "How are you really doing? And I mean really."
Expressing Concern
- "I'm worried about how this relationship is affecting you."
- "You deserve to be treated with respect."
- "No one deserves to feel scared in their own home."
Offering Support
- "Whatever you decide, I'm here for you."
- "You're not alone in this."
- "This isn't your fault."
If They're Not Ready
- "I understand this is complicated. I'm not going anywhere."
- "You know your situation best. I trust you."
- "Whenever you're ready to talk, I'm here."
Phrases That Usually Don't Help
- "Why don't you just leave?"
- "I would never put up with that."
- "Think about what this is doing to the kids."
- "Your partner seemed so nice at dinner."
- "Maybe if you tried harder to make them happy..."
- "You're being too sensitive."
When Men Are the Victims
Men can be victims of relationship abuse too, though they often face unique barriers to recognizing it and seeking help.
What Makes It Different
- They may not recognize it as abuse. Many men don't realize that being constantly accused, monitored, threatened, or controlled qualifies as abuse—especially if there's no physical violence.
- Shame and stigma. Men often feel ashamed to admit they're being hurt by a partner, especially a female partner.
- Fear of not being believed. The assumption that men are always the aggressors can make it hard for male victims to be taken seriously.
- Fear of losing children. Men often fear that if they speak up or leave, they'll lose custody or access to their children.
- Fewer resources. Most abuse resources are designed for women. Men may not know where to turn.
How to Help
- Take their experience seriously—don't minimize or joke about it.
- Acknowledge that being controlled or threatened is abuse, regardless of gender.
- Avoid suggesting they should be able to "handle it" because they're a man.
- Help them find resources specifically for men (this site is one).
- Support them in documenting what's happening.
Cultural & Religious Considerations
Family, culture, and faith can be sources of strength—but they can also create pressure to stay in unhealthy situations. Here's how to navigate these dynamics.
Family Honor & Shame
In some cultures, there's immense pressure to keep family problems private or stay together to avoid shame. Your loved one may fear disappointing the family or being ostracized.
How to help: Emphasize that their safety and wellbeing matter more than reputation. Offer to help navigate family dynamics.
Religious Beliefs
Religious communities may emphasize marriage preservation, forgiveness, or submission in ways that make it harder to leave abuse. Your loved one may feel spiritual conflict about their choices.
How to help: Connect them with clergy who understand abuse dynamics. Many religious traditions have clear teachings against abuse and support for victims.
Immigration Status
If their immigration status is tied to their partner, leaving may feel impossible. They may fear deportation, family separation, or losing legal status.
How to help: Research immigration options for abuse victims (like VAWA self-petitions in the U.S.). Connect them with immigration lawyers who understand DV situations.
Extended Family Involvement
In many cultures, extended family plays a significant role in marriage. In-laws may enable abuse, pressure the victim to stay, or side with the abuser.
How to help: Be a consistent ally. Don't add to family pressure. If possible, identify other family members who might be supportive.
If Children Are Involved
When children witness adult conflict or abuse, they're affected—even if they're not directly harmed. Here's how you can help as an extended family member or supporter.
What You Can Do
- Be a stable presence. Regular, positive contact with you provides stability in their chaotic world.
- Let them be kids. Create spaces where they can play and be carefree without adult problems intruding.
- Listen without interrogating. If they want to talk, listen. Don't press for details or ask leading questions.
- Reassure them it's not their fault. Children often blame themselves for adult conflict.
- Avoid badmouthing either parent. Even an abusive parent is still their parent. Criticism puts children in impossible positions.
- Don't use them as messengers. Never ask children to relay information between adults.
When to Take Action
If you believe a child is being directly abused or is in immediate danger, you may need to contact authorities. This is a serious step with significant consequences—consider consulting with a domestic violence advocate first if possible.
Signs a child may need professional help: significant behavior changes, regression, nightmares, self-harm, talk of hurting themselves, extreme aggression, or withdrawal.
Helping with Safety Planning
If your loved one is considering leaving or is in a dangerous situation, you can help them plan for safety.
🏠 Safe Place
Can you offer a place to stay if they need to leave quickly? Even if they never use it, knowing the option exists can help.
📦 Storage
Can you keep important documents, extra clothes, money, or medications at your home? Having essentials outside the home makes leaving easier.
📞 Check-ins
Can you set up regular check-in times? A simple daily text at a certain time can provide reassurance and alert you if something's wrong.
🚗 Transportation
Can you be available to provide transportation on short notice? Having a reliable way out matters.
💰 Financial Support
Financial control is a key abuse tactic. Even small amounts of money kept safely can make a difference.
📝 Documentation
Can you help them keep records? Storing copies of incident logs, screenshots, or photos at your home keeps evidence safe.
Taking Care of Yourself
Supporting someone in a difficult situation takes a toll. You matter too.
Set Boundaries
It's okay to set limits on how much emotional support you can provide. You can't pour from an empty cup.
Get Your Own Support
Consider talking to a therapist or counselor about how this is affecting you. Many domestic violence hotlines also support family members.
Manage Your Feelings
It's normal to feel frustrated, angry, or helpless. Don't take these feelings out on your loved one.
Accept What You Can't Control
You can't make them leave. You can't fix their partner. You can only offer support—what they do with it is their choice.
Resources for Supporters
National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788
They support family members and friends, not just victims.
Love Is Respect
1-866-331-9474 or text LOVEIS to 22522
Specifically for young people and those who care about them.
StrongHearts Native Helpline
1-844-762-8483
For Native Americans and Alaska Natives.
Your Support Matters
You can't rescue someone from a difficult relationship. But you can be a consistent, non-judgmental presence that reminds them they're not alone and that something better is possible.
That matters more than you know.