Why This Matters
Hormonal changes can genuinely affect mood, energy, sleep, libido, irritability, and even how we perceive situations. Understanding this can help us:
- Recognize patterns: "Is this how I always feel, or is something changing?"
- Seek appropriate help: Some symptoms are treatable with medical support
- Communicate better: "I've been more irritable lately—it's not about you"
- Avoid blame: Neither using hormones as an excuse nor dismissing real biological factors
The Balance
Hormones can influence how we feel and react. They do not control our choices. A hormonal shift might make someone more irritable, but it doesn't make them abusive. Understanding this distinction is crucial.
- Explanation: "Hormonal changes made me more reactive."
- Excuse: "I can't help being cruel—it's my hormones."
The first acknowledges biology while maintaining responsibility. The second removes accountability.
Hormonal Changes in Men
While less discussed than women's hormonal changes, men also experience significant shifts, particularly in midlife:
Testosterone Decline (Sometimes Called "Andropause" or "Male Menopause")
Testosterone levels typically peak in early adulthood and decline gradually (about 1% per year after age 30). Some men experience this more dramatically than others.
Physical
- Decreased energy and fatigue
- Reduced muscle mass
- Increased body fat
- Lower libido
- Sleep disturbances
Emotional/Cognitive
- Irritability or mood changes
- Difficulty concentrating
- Decreased motivation
- Feelings of sadness
- Reduced self-confidence
Relational Impact
- Less patience in conflict
- Withdrawal from intimacy
- Increased defensiveness
- Questioning life/relationship
- Sensitivity to criticism
When to Consider Medical Evaluation
If you're experiencing multiple symptoms, a healthcare provider can assess hormone levels through blood tests. Low testosterone is treatable, though treatment decisions should be made with a qualified physician who can weigh risks and benefits.
Hormonal Changes in Women
Women experience more widely recognized hormonal shifts throughout life. Understanding these can help partners be more supportive and help women recognize when they might need additional support.
Menstrual Cycle
Fluctuations in estrogen and progesterone throughout the monthly cycle can affect mood, energy, and reactivity. For some women, these effects are minimal; for others, they're significant.
Perimenopause & Menopause
The transition to menopause (typically ages 45-55) involves significant hormonal shifts:
Physical
- Hot flashes and night sweats
- Sleep disruption
- Changes in libido
- Fatigue
- Weight changes
Emotional/Cognitive
- Mood swings
- Anxiety or irritability
- Difficulty concentrating
- Memory changes
- Depression symptoms
Relational Impact
- Patience may be shorter
- Touch sensitivity changes
- Need for more understanding
- Relationship re-evaluation
- Communication challenges
Postpartum Period
After childbirth, dramatic hormonal shifts combined with sleep deprivation can significantly affect mood and behavior. Postpartum depression and anxiety are real medical conditions that benefit from professional treatment.
Stress Hormones & Relationships
Beyond sex hormones, stress hormones (particularly cortisol and adrenaline) significantly affect how we interact in relationships:
The Stress Response
When stressed, your body releases cortisol and adrenaline, preparing for "fight or flight." This response:
- Increases heart rate and blood pressure
- Sharpens focus on threats (including perceived threats)
- Reduces activity in the prefrontal cortex (reasoning, empathy)
- Can make neutral faces look threatening
- Makes us more reactive and less reflective
Chronic stress keeps cortisol elevated, which can:
- Disrupt sleep (which further affects hormones)
- Increase irritability and emotional reactivity
- Reduce patience and tolerance
- Create a hair-trigger response to conflict
- Impair communication and problem-solving
The Stress-Conflict Cycle
Stress makes conflict worse, and conflict creates more stress—a cycle that can spiral if not interrupted:
Breaking this cycle requires addressing the stress, not just the conflict. See our de-escalation toolkit for techniques.
Thyroid & Other Factors
Several other hormonal and medical factors can affect mood and behavior:
- Thyroid dysfunction: Both overactive and underactive thyroid can significantly affect mood, energy, and irritability
- Blood sugar fluctuations: Can cause irritability, mood swings, and difficulty concentrating
- Sleep disorders: Poor sleep disrupts nearly every hormonal system
- Vitamin deficiencies: Particularly B12, D, and iron can affect mood and energy
- Medications: Many medications affect hormones as a side effect
What to Do About It
1. Get Evaluated
If you're experiencing significant changes in mood, energy, or behavior, see a healthcare provider. Blood tests can check hormone levels, thyroid function, and other factors.
2. Address the Basics
Sleep, nutrition, exercise, and stress management affect hormonal balance. These aren't substitutes for medical care but can support it.
3. Communicate
Let your partner know what you're experiencing. "I've been more irritable lately and I think it might be hormonal. I'm not trying to take it out on you."
4. Maintain Responsibility
Understanding biology helps explain patterns—it doesn't excuse harmful behavior. If hormonal changes are making you reactive, that's your challenge to manage, not your partner's to endure.
For Partners
If your partner is going through hormonal changes:
- Learn about what they're experiencing — understanding reduces frustration
- Encourage medical evaluation — gently, not as criticism
- Offer support, not solutions — unless solutions are requested
- Maintain your own boundaries — compassion doesn't mean tolerating mistreatment
- Don't use hormones against them — "You're just hormonal" is dismissive and harmful
When It's Not Just Hormones
It's important to distinguish between:
Hormonal Influences
- Increased irritability that the person recognizes and tries to manage
- Mood changes that follow predictable patterns
- Symptoms that improve with treatment
- The person takes responsibility even when struggling
- Both good and difficult periods
Patterns of Concern
- Cruelty, contempt, or control regardless of cycle
- Blaming hormones while refusing treatment
- Using biological explanations to avoid accountability
- Behavior that targets only certain people (not everyone)
- Pattern of harm that persists regardless of circumstances
If someone is consistently harmful and uses hormones as an excuse without seeking help or taking responsibility, the hormones aren't the primary problem.
Key Takeaways
- Hormones are real: They genuinely affect mood, energy, and reactivity
- Explanation ≠ excuse: Understanding biology doesn't remove responsibility
- Medical help exists: Many hormonal issues are treatable
- Communication helps: Naming what's happening reduces misunderstanding
- Boundaries still matter: You don't have to accept mistreatment regardless of cause
- Patterns reveal truth: How someone handles their challenges matters more than the challenges themselves
Educational Disclaimer
This content is for educational purposes only. It is not therapy, medical advice, legal advice, or a substitute for professional treatment. Always consult qualified professionals for your specific situation.